Office Etiquette – According to Me (A Top 10 List)

Well, since I only have 3 days left until I start my “new” career,” it’s time to finally publish a post I’ve been wanting to publish for awhile now.  I didn’t want to offend anyone at the time (I still don’t!) but the timing is a little better now 🙂

I’ve worked in an office for about 10 years now, so this obviously makes me a total expert in office etiquette and behaviour.  Specifically, what NOT to do in the office.

I spend a lot of time here just sitting back, listening to people, watching them and wondering what the h*ll they are thinking (I get a bit of work done too, but my brain does wander from time to time…)

So for the good of all the ‘cube farm’ workers out there, I’ve decide to compile my deep thoughts on office behaviour into a completely useless guide.

Here is my Top 10 list of things your co-workers want to tell you about your less-than-desirable behaviour at work, but don’t.  They just talk about you behind your back instead 😉

  1. Leave your stinky food at home.  Tuna sandwiches are NOT meant to be microwaved – just sayin’
  2. Show up at your meetings on time – especially when you’re the one who scheduled it.  Are you really so busy that you’ve forgotten that you set up a meeting?  Or are you showing up late on purpose to make us think you are that busy.  Who cares, just don’t do it.  And don’t expect us to stick around after we’ve finished to talk about the exact same thing “offline” either.  Just because the meeting was supposed to be over at 3:00 and it’s only 2:52pm doesn’t mean you have to put in the extra 8 minutes.  Just let us go back to our desks, ok?
  3. Obey the ‘one stall buffer’ rule in the bathroom.  There’s like, 10 stalls in there, do you really need to pee in the one right next to me?*  This is like going to the movie theatre and there’s a hundred seats all around you, but someone chooses to sit right. next. to. you.  *I believe this goes for urinals as well, but I can’t speak on behalf of the male species
  4. Don’t leave your dishes in the lunch room sink to “soak.”  I don’t care what kind of sticky sh*t you had for lunch.  Wash those things and get them the h*ll out of there.
  5. Unless your cubicle walls have special noise-blocking super powers, I can hear everything. you. say.  Please use your indoor voice, and stop arguing with your kids on the phone when they didn’t clean up their room or do their homework.  I don’t care.  PS. I’m glad I’m not your kid.
  6. Unless you are on call to perform surgery that day, don’t bring your Blackberry into a meeting.  You are not that important.  Dude, you work in IT.
  7. Keep your personal hygiene habits discreet.  I don’t want to hear you cutting your fingernails at your desk or see you brushing your teeth in the lunch room sink.  It’s gross…really gross.  Do it in the bathroom.  Actually no, do it at home like everyone else.
  8. Stop asking me to sign cards and give you money for Joe Blow’s retirement / birthday / fundraiser / vasectomy.  I’m broke and I don’t even know who that person is.  Move along.
  9. Stop emailing me Dilbert cartoons or ask me if I saw the Office last night.  They work in an office, we work in an office.  I get it.  Ha.  Ha.
  10. Mass emails.  I don’t care if there is a retirement seminar next week…I’m 32.  Check who you’re sending your emails to.  If it doesn’t concern that person, don’t send it to them. You’re clogging up my inbox when I need that room for emails recapping last night’s episode of the Bachelor Pad and other important things.

So let’s recap: Wash your own (non-stinky) dishes and show up on time for meetings without your Blackberries and use your indoor voice at your desk.  Groom yourself at home or in the bathroom before sending out hilarious cartoons and mass emails asking people for money.  Whew.  Now, was that so hard?!

What about you?  What’s your workplace pet peeve??


13 thoughts on “Office Etiquette – According to Me (A Top 10 List)

  1. Ha, I’ll up your microwaved tuna sandwich. I work in an office with a lot of OLD men and they like to enjoy sardines, from the can. Or maybe they’re kippers? Who cares. Do you know how stinky an empty sardine can is in the garbage next to the coffee boat? About as stinky as an
    open full can of sardines. Disgusting. Eat that sh!t at home!

    I’ll have to agree to disagree about The Office. That show kills me!

  2. Okay, I am guilty of flossing in the washroom, and sending you Dilberts. My advise to you: Stop watching me floss in the men’s washroom at work, and maybe you won’t be so grossed out 😉

    Very funny, LD.

  3. Oh come on…those Dilbert cartoons are funny!! Thanks for the giggle this morning! Wonder if anyone will post this in the lunch room??? 😉

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