Parenting Secrets…shhhhhhhh! A Top Ten List

Remember when you found out you were going to have a baby?  Remember how you read all the websites, blogs, and magazines you could get your hands on?  You read “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” and you watched hours upon hours of “A Baby Story” on TV.  Awww…how cute.

Remember how you thought you were so prepared and then you got home and realized that you didn’t know one thing about having a baby?  Yeah, me too.

So I’ve prepared one of my now infamous “Top 10” lists to let new parents know about some of the stuff that really happens after you get home.  This is the list that really matters, not the stuff you read in books.  It’s my list of the things nobody tells you for fear that the world will stop procreating.  Here we go…

The Top 10 Least Known Facts About Parenting

1.  Kids can survive off of chocolate milk, rice cakes and air for days on end.  Then the next day they will eat a whole pizza.  The food you think they like goes bad in your fridge and they will only ask for things you don’t have.  Be prepared for epic tears and screaming when you can’t produce a snack or drink when they snap their pudgy little fingers.  Buying groceries is a mystery (an expensive one).

2.  More comes out than goes in.  Your baby will drink six ounces of milk but barf up twenty.  Impressive and again, mysterious.  Diapers will sometimes weigh more than 8lbs.  Make sure to buy heavy duty garbage bags – no generic brands.

“Yes, I’m cute. And yes, I’m just about to heave up my breakfast all over you”

3.  The noise level in your house will be the same as if you lived in a bar or on a helicopter.  Perfect if you miss your clubbing days.  And it increases exponentially with each child as they try to out-talk, out-cry and out-scream each other.  It’s not Survivor, but it sure feels like it.

4.  There will be no secrets.  Your kids will happily tell their babysitter, grandparents, teachers – anyone who will listen really –  what color underwear you wear, that you pee with the door open, and that you once said the best part about getting groceries was that there is a liquor store next door.

“I’m going to tell strangers what color your underwear are!”

5.  Your house will never be the same.  Ever.  Your feet will stick to the floor and you will often walk by a table or countertop, look at some unidentified substance on it and wonder “what is that?”  That cute rug you love?  Goodbye.  That new couch?  Hope it’s barf colored.

“I’m going to pee on the rug and barf on the couch – ha ha!”

6.  Kids smell, they are sticky and they are always leaking out of some orifice.  They constantly have to be wiped, straightened and picked.  The amount of laundry is ridiculous.  Clothes that have been barfed on often have to be washed twice to get rid of the smell.  Be prepared to have snot streaks on your shoulders for at least two years per child.

“Come on, Mommy. You don’t care if you look good!”

7.  You will spend a fortune on shoes.  For them, not for you.  You bring home the cutest Merrills or Chucks and all they want to wear is their dollar store Croc-offs.  It’s a horrific crime of fashion.  You end up selling the cute shoes at a yard sale for $3 and you will laugh at the person who buys them because you know their kid isn’t going to wear them either.

8.  You will spend at least 30 hours per week sorting through paperwork that comes home from school.  Notices, book orders, fundraisers, events, class trips, HOMEWORK, journals, book fairs, picture day, reading.  Ugh.  You may have to quit your real job.  *wine comes in handy here.

9.  They drink their own bath water.  It’s gross.  You will gag.  They will laugh.

“What do you mean it’s not funny when we drink our own bath water?!”

10.  They have superhuman strength.  Try to get an 18-month old into their car seat or bath tub when they decide it ain’t going to happen; you’ll see.  I’d rather bathe the cat.

I actually considered making this into a Top 20 list, but I didn’t want to scare people TOO much.

What about you?  Is there anything you learned as a parent that you would warn someone about before they had kids that is not covered in any parenting book?  I could go on for days….

Remember, today is the last day to enter my giveaway to celebrate the TestosterZone’s first birthday!  You can read the details here, and you can enter the contest through the link below.

The TestosterZone’s Big Giveaway

Remember, it doesn’t matter where you live, I’ll cover all the costs to get this to you!  A winner will be chosen tomorrow!!

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7 thoughts on “Parenting Secrets…shhhhhhhh! A Top Ten List

  1. The other secret (according to me): all the high standards and good intentions re: parenting that you may have acquired during your pre-baby preparations go out the window REAL fast. At least mine did…

    The things that you thought mattered often don’t, the way you thought things would go rarely reflects reality, and there are inevitably moments where mere survival trumps anything else you may once have cared about. And, of course, you eventually realize that all of that is really just fine 🙂

  2. They will curse when u least expect it, they become addicted to sugar after one hit, they ask why and willnever be content with your answer, they pinch the fat on the back of your arms when they want revenge, they will watch the same movie 1000 times and they think the tooth fairy is a millionaire. But all those hugs and kisses make it worth it – I think! Lol

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